By Faith McGee
Why Am I Still Single?
Ask yourself why you shouldn’t be single and consider these suggestions for addressing potential insecurities or loneliness.
By Faith McGee
OverviewSingle life can be scary for those accustomed to companionship or desire an intimate relationship. There are plenty of reasons people find themselves single, such as divorce, inability to find the right partner, ability to find the wrong partner, self-esteem issues, traumatic events, lack of social environments and priorities that did not involve finding a mate. Though many feel bad about their current situation, there are countless marriages and couples who are miserable as well. The issue is to feel complete without someone else’s approval before getting into a relationship.DivorceThe disappointment of a failed relationship causes a multitude of people to fear intimacy. After you’ve spent energy and time making a relationship work, dealing with the aftermath can make you pessimistic. As divorces have become easier to get and more socially acceptable, the rate, as expected, have gone up. Divorce does not have to make you feel like a social pariah. It shows that you were willing at one point in your life to commit. It also shows that you have an ability for self-sacrifice and love. Getting back into the dating world will be hard. Don’t compare yourself to who you were the last time you were dating. Since you’ve been divorced, you have probably learned a lot about yourself, what is important to you in a mate, and what you are willing to tolerate. In fact, by using this information, you are more likely to find a better match this time around.Finding the Wrong PartnerSelf-awareness does not usually occur during your teenage years. Peers and social pressure have a way of molding our identity. While it is important to keep in mind that we will undergo radical changes through our 20s and 30s, there are certain characteristics and needs in people that do not change. Oftentimes we find ourselves convinced that our partner will modify his bad behavior. But there are few reasons to believe that myth. Whatever is causing destructive habits within an individual will not be transformed with love. Unless the individual realizes his faults and seeks counseling, your best move will be moving on.Self-EsteemUnless you can independently fulfill your own needs, it is doubtful that someone can do this for you. Revolving your world around your partner will set you up for a codependent relationship, increased stress for your partner and a life of being disappointed. It is easy when first getting into a relationship to lose all sense of self. Your hormones and brain chemistry are giving you a natural high. However, like a lot of addictions you will feel the need to pursue this high. Relationships do not have to be boring or follow mundane patterns. One of the things you can do is actively increase you interests. Develop a life outside the relationship with a social circle, career goals and hobbies. Feeling good about the way you are will increase your attractiveness and add excitement to the relationship.Past TraumaTrauma from childhood, adolescence and adulthood can cause you to shy away from connecting to a partner. It is critical to heal your history through therapy, support groups and stress management. Recognizing that the past is still effecting the present is the first step. Changing your feelings associated with the past is difficult and many times a lifelong journey. Take time to write down how you feel. By keeping a journal, you will be able to map out what events or actions bring up the past. Talk to a professional social worker or psychologist who can help you move through your issues.Lack of Social EnvironmentsWhen life’s circumstances have you living far from social contact, loneliness and depression become common. Check your local newspaper for groups or classes. Meeting people in school is a great chance to find someone with similar interests. Attend seminars or retreats where people like you can get together and learn. Frequent interesting events, nearby towns, or social networking places. Libraries host numerous visiting lecturers. Not only will you learn something new, you might meet the right person. When meeting someone while doing something positive for yourself, you show your willingness for self-improvement and interest in other areas.Changing PrioritiesPeople have a list of ever-changing priorities, and sometimes finding a mate is not at the top. After college, a plethora of graduates throw themselves into having a career. If years have gone by and you have decided you want a relationship, then evaluate what type of person will be your best match. It is best before ever getting into a relationship to make a list of what is important to you in another person and what is a deal breaker. It is better to shrug off feelings of loneliness and wait for your match. This business approach does not restrict feelings of love, but is realistic to your needs. Instead of asking yourself why you are single, try asking why shouldn’t I be single. Create a list of positive attributes. This will help dictate finding someone rather than just anybody.ResourcesreferenceHealthy Relationships
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